Grace

 I have been pondering a blog for some time. To document random thoughts, realizations, parenting blunders and successes, and maybe some occasional recipes. Perhaps some random life hacks or maybe some portal into a parenting hack. Just kidding. That last one I doubt I will ever figure out, much to my chagrin. 😫

This month marks 2 years since I found out about the Nedley Depression and Anxiety Recovery Program. It was a life changing experience for me. I began saving for and raising funds for the program immediately and would later attend the residential program in November of 2018. More on that at a later date!

I have been working with a prayer ministry since I attended that program. I have had to face some very hard truths and some very difficult realities. 

One thing I have become increasingly aware of is that parenting causes me great anxiety. And I believe that stems from my childhood. My childhood was an unpleasant one, at best. The home I grew up in was far from perfect and was full of a various types of trauma. I have learned unhealthy habits from that living experience. 

Something I have learned from the prayer ministry I am a part of and utilize in my own life is that our emotions stem from negative thoughts. 

For the meat of this post, I want to share an example with you.

If you know me at all, you are aware that I pride myself in all things kitchen related. I am an outstanding cook. I am protective of my kitchen gadgets. I don't like sharing my kitchen. My kitchen is my domain. It's my creative outlet. It's my way of loving people. It's the one thing I feel I excel in the majority of the time. 

Yesterday my oldest kiddo wanted to cook and was allowed to do so. But because he was not careful, he essentially ruined the pan he was using. No amount of scrubbing has rendered a clean and usable pan and it has since been thrown away. 

My oldest immediately was apologetic when he realized that I was unable to clean it. He knows how I am with the kitchen. 

"I'm so sorry, Mommy. Do you forgive me?" He asked with his head hanging low. 

"Of course, Son. It's just a pan," I tried to respond in a not upset tone.

"Thank you, Mommy. I didn't know it was ruin the pan," he said as he hugged me and I hugged him back. 

I'm not always that patient. And in fact, that normally would have elicited a rather angry response from me. I'm not proud of the way I react to things most times. In fact, my knee jerk reaction was anger. A ruined pan. Certainly not the worst thing in the world. 

I have been really trying to address and correct the patterns of abuse in my life so as not to pass them on to my sons. 

Through the focus and help of the prayer ministry, I am (slowly) learning to pause and ask God, "What are the negative thoughts triggering my emotions?" 

My most common negative thought is "I'm just not good enough." I was never good enough growing up. I wasn't outgoing enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't happy enough. I wasn't giving enough. I wasn't loving enough. I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't smart enough. 

My thought at the pan event was "I'm just not good enough. I should have watched him closer. I should have washed the pan sooner." 

But God.

God always blesses when we ask. I hate how I feel when I explode and make my kids the recipient of my anger. It's not a good thing. It's not right. It's not okay to have anger outbursts. It's not their fault I grew up in a crappy family and didn't learn how to cope with situations in a healthy manner. 

In that moment when I raced to God and told Him, "I'm MAD, God. Why am I never good enough!?" And He responded with, "You are. You don't have to achieve perfection to be good enough." 

So, I took a deep breath, tossed the pan in the garbage after 2 days of trying to clean it back to usability, and sighed as I gave him a hug and said, "Of course I forgive you." 

I can buy another pan. And I can make other dishes. And I still have other pans. It's not the end of the world. Even if it was one of my kitchen tools. 

I don't always respond with grace. To others or to myself. But God always responds with grace to His children.

It's just a pan.